Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Aliens Probed Me...maybe

Between struggling with little bugs on my new Mac OS (like, how come I can launch MS Word on one of the Users, but not the one I normally use? like, how come my email program bonks out on me every so often?) on my new Mac laptop (still clean! white! it needs some silver glitter!) and working on some wacky baskets, I also went through an entire day of pooping.

No, I was not sick. If you've undergone a colonoscopy, you understand already what I am talking about.

"Consider it your birthday present," laughed Dr. Ma when I went for my yearly check up in the late spring. When Big Dog heard that it was recommended, he gleefully booked me a session with his doctor. He had done it a few years ago and I am sure was keen to have me go through the same ordeal.

I know some women like anal penetration but for me, I like things to only go in one direction from that orifice: OUT. So the whole idea of an anal probe -- with camera! -- sounded like something I'd never submit to willingly and if aliens ever got a hold of me, they'd better knock me out first or risk losing their hearing.

"The procedure itself is painless. You're out for it. It's the prep that's so horrible," everyone who had ever had a colonoscopy kept telling me.

Oh, it's nothing. I'm pretty stoic about these things, I thought. Big Dog sounded miserable the day before his procedure, whining about being hungry, about wanting something solid, about being sick of the hard candies he kept eating, but I was sure I'd do alright.

Well, I wasn't alright at all. By the evening, I was sick of running to the bathroom every few minutes, sick of wiping my butt, sick of drinking glass after glass of water and a few cups of tea to boot. I felt like a giant water balloon. I could almost hear the liquid sloshing when I walked. My stomach was upset from all that liquid and I was starting to feel nauseous. Plus it took forever to fall asleep because I was stressing about The Enema. As well as the possibility of "leaking" in the middle of the night.

I finally DID fall asleep (no leaking!) ("TMI!!!" shouts Big Dog) and woke up to the most beautiful skin in years! My face was soft and silky and had a really pretty glow, if I say so myself. There was just the tiniest hint of puffiness, but I've filed yesterday's water torture under "natural beauty treatments" in my mental file cabinet

This morning's enema was completely anti-climatic and, yes, you were right, the actual procedure was nothing. They put me under and when I woke up, there was no evidence of having been probed.

So now I wonder. Maybe we're all abducted by aliens at one time or another. Maybe we're all probed. How would you know?

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