Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Clouds

J came by yesterday, on his way out of town for another series of horse events, with two tubs of strawberries from the Organic Farm. When he commented on how good the strawberry pie was the day before, I told him, "If you bring some of those strawberries over, I'll make the pie." So, there he was, with the berries.

I had sort of made a deal with the farm people while we were over there on Sunday -- apples for strawberries -- but apple season is a long ways away and I didn't want to go get my berries so soon after we spoke about it. Maybe I'll go and bond with them a bit more before being so brazen, I thought.

You'd think that with this fab weather and all these luscious strawberries, I'd be in great spirits but there's a dark cloud on the horizon. Big Dog has decided that he wants to sell the ranch, and while I am contemplating buying him out of his share, realistically, I don't think that will happen. I've been trying to meditate on the transitory state of everything -- it's ridiculous to hold onto anything since we lose all of it one day -- but I need another lifetime of training before I can really put aside all desire. What's happening with me is just denial, I know. I want to hold on to this land forever. I don't want to let go. I have strong desires and because of that I also have fierce feelings of jealousy. But I am also good at denial. I tell myself that I am looking forward to the adventures I will have once this ranch is gone. I tell myself that if the world is my home, then why should I be stuck in only one part of it forever? I tell myself a lot of things to make it easier, but I still love her and my heart aches at the thought of having to give her up, let her go. Sigh.

Even the animals seem to sense it -- they look sad. Magic, the blue eyed Shepard, has been moping and the horses don't like goofing around with me anymore. The chickens no longer peck at my blue and silver toes.

Strangely, though, the cats come to me more -- maybe cats like melancholy! Day before yesterday, I went to investigate a commotion near the creek. There's some kind of animal there. The size of a Labrador, dust colored. When it turns around, I see a giant cat face. It's a bobcat! It looks at me for a while, then turns around and heads back towards the creek. In the late afternoon light, it, too, looked a little sad…

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