Secret

Big Dog and I are not good gift givers. We're terribly shoppers, so trying to get a gift really stresses us out. Plus, being a non-consumer, I can imagine what stuff other people would like to receive. I enjoy handcrafted gifts -- a poem, a drawing, cookies -- and feel guilty making a happy face and raving about some gadget or clothes others may give me. I know a lot of thought went into it and I am grateful for their kindness, but the truth is, I would be way happier if they had kept their money and made their own lives more pleasant because there is really nothing material I need.

(Okay. My digital camera died this spring and I would love a new one, but I've started sketching interesting scenes now and I keep thinking that I never would have done this if I still had that camera, so...)

Big Dog and I rarely give each other gifts. We don't do special things on special days, either. We do special things when it's convenient.

This year, though, I've decided on a little experiment. I am going to be Big Dog's Number One Fan for the rest of the year. From the 15th of December, until the end of the year, he will have his Fan Club of One. I'm going to do everything he wants to do, wholeheartedly. I'm not going to make my druthers known. I will laugh at his jokes as if he were the Maestro of Humor and I hadn't heard them a million times already. I will be thrilled to be with him.

Big Dog won't know about this. It's a secret, so don't tell him. I'm not even sure I'll tell him after the fact. (Will he even notice??)

This experiment/present began yesterday. I never thought of myself as being especially willful or selfish and I always think of myself as being extremely undemanding, so why is this experiment turning out to be so much harder than imagined?