Surviving Christmas with Altered Barbies

I survived another Christmas. Yay!

"Don't be such a Scrooge," Big Dog would often tell me seeing me with my brow furrowed, glaring at all the shoppers. Rampant commercialism makes me sad…and mad. I'm a terrible shopper and being pressured by custom to shop does not make me happy. Even at normal times I would prefer to do anything BUT shop, however, as we approach Christmas, the mood of materialism on steroids keeps me from even thinking about entering a store.

I make all of our gifts. I grew up around a lot of handmade things -- my mother was a terrific seamstress and knitter -- so it's all very normal for me, but I guess for some, handmade gifts feel "cheap" or "sorry." Big Dog's family is sick of my ranch-made items, for sure.

"This is all I could get you guys this year," apologized BD's nephew's mother-in-law.

"You don't need to get us anything!" we protested. I mean, really, no one needs to get holiday gifts for one's son-in-law's uncle! When I saw it was a homemade baked good, I was surprised. What does she mean "this is all"? To me, a gift that has someone's time and effort is so much better than a mass-produced-in-China-by-questionable-labor-store-bought thing. But I guess for them, it is not.

And then I hear about "plus-size Barbie."

Why not. And while we're at it, why not Menopausal Barbie, Bulimic Barbie, Anorexic Barbie, Pussy Whipper Barbie. I think we already have Gold Digger Barbie.

Years ago I drew a cartoon of Bi-polar Barbie. ("I'm sad! I'm mad!" Just like me at Christmas-time!) Yes, it's in terrible taste when you consider that real bi-polar disorder is complicated and painful, but I think a lot of women go through a bi-polar phase (like during menopause) so why not let your kids play with a real-life figure?

I'm thinking of other real-life Barbies we could but don't have: Goth Barbie, Metal Barbie, Stoner Barbie. Panhandler Barbie, Meth Lab Barbie, Convict Barbie, Welfare Barbie… Steampunk Barbie, Anarchist Barbie, Activist Barbie… 

Hmm. Looks like others have been thinking of them, too.

Metal. or Punk Barbies

Birthing Barbie!

Anorexic Barbie

Bulimic Barbie

Not sure what she is. Skank Barbie?

And, of course, Stoner Barbie

There's even a community for people who love Altered Barbies!

Check out the artwork! 

Love the "Pinebie," the child of Barbie and Pinecone. And someone's even got a Suicide Barbie! I'll bet there are Pedophile Barbies and Crazy Stalker Barbies, Frivolous Lawsuit Barbies… My head's starting to spin. 

Like Exorcist Barbie.